“I think I’ve found your weak spot..”

“I want to find your weak spot.”

“I want you to feel the way you make me feel. It’s what you deserve.”

All last week, all I wanted was a back massage.

When time came to, I ended up never saying anything about it, and gave one instead.

It made me feel good about myself…

But I still want one.

Now I’ve realized all I do is cater to everyone. I was afraid asking would make me sound selfish and needy. So I gave.

I still want one.

Square one comes full circle.

What the fuck do I do now?

Everything I was

Everything I wanted to be

Everything I was proud of

Gone.

My confidence?

Disappeared.

My days are less exciting than before.

My perfect summer has ended.

I am dawdling about in a sea of ugly consistency.

I’m floating meanderingly in a fucking ocean of “I don’t know what do you want to do today.”

…

I’ve stopped living.

I have forgotten who I am,

And it’s no surprise to me that it’s you who brought me back to center.

I feel like this is a sign of who a real friend is.

Maybe I’m being stupid for depending on someone again, slash even more.

Maybe I am an  idiot for thinking through this shit too much. Again.

Maybe you are a giant fucking douche for leaving me be for so long.

That you are an asshole who just couldn’t fucking answer my messages; my attempts to reach out to you.

But maybe this is my chance to learn that I needed that long then to understand now what I was doing wrong.

Maybe this time I won’t make the same mistake again.

I think it’s time I relearn how to live.

And this time the memories will be just as sweet.

My life is bittersweet.

Since returning, things have not been as they should.

I have not been as I should have.

I have not been up to par.

I have not been who I am.

Like always, mine is the last to fall into place.

But for once I am not too late.

Whenever I stare ahead now, it’s as if I face a burning sun on my horizon.

It’s as if my goal is gallant and clear.

It is bright, and a rainbow of colors.

My heart soars.

There was Frank leaving.

It was a few miraculous hours of us just being kids.

There was saying goodbye to Michael.

I will never forget the look in your eyes.

There was Greece.

I will never be shaken in such a way. I hated and loved it. I will never be the same.

There was me versus idiots.

I learned being yourself is the best way to meet someone. Not just being a side of who you are.

There was me coming home.

I’ve never been more appreciative of my friends and those who truly cherish me.

There was Michael welcoming me back.

I love how loved you made me feel.

There was Frank leaving.

I spent a very intimate, very Frank night with you. It was a perfect night.

There was absence of communication with Michael.

I hope this girl has made your life for the better.

There was Zach.

I wish you the very best. I’m proud to have helped you become a better man.

There was Alex.

I know you will be a gorgeous star among space dust. You are a diamond in the rough, and I cannot be happier to have you as a best friend.

There was Elaina.

I will always have you in my heart. I will always be there for you.

Now there is school on my horizon.

There are talks of music bands,

There are thoughts of the perfect man,

There are talks of big plans,

There are talks of my career.

Now I am excited.

I may be in need of reevaluating,

But the path is starting to clear

And I cannot be more ecstatic.

holy fucking tits

where the fuck do I even begin.

You know what,

you are despicable.

I am so fucking disappointed in who you are, and even who you try to be.

You are sick and disgusting

and I am disgusted that I feel so strongly about this

This

is fucking stupid

And I absolutely cannot believe you threw yourself head deep into a situation you know nothing about.

You overheard a phone conversation?

Congratulations, you’re an idiot.

Calling me a whore didn’t hurt my feelings. I could not really care less of your opinion on me.

The reasoning behind your actions is what sickens me most.

You are out to get me.

You

are not worth my time.

Holy fucking christ.

Genevieve, you have proven to me now more than ever that your actions do not match your words.

You never told me you loved him.

You never told me you told him.

How can you expect to forbid me to speak with another friend?

Where the fuck is your logic.

You cannot tell me who I can and cannot hang out with.

It is not my fault you didn’t express to me the seriousness of your feelings.

Had I known, I never would’ve agreed to sleepover his place.

But even then, I still wouldn’t regret anything that happened that night.

You jealousy is raging

and it’s clouding everything in your path.

Now you’ve destroyed too much,

And I feel nothing but disappointment.

That night

was amazing.

I was exhausted, I was tired, I ached everywhere

But I let go

of all my insecurities

I cared nothing of the negatives

And I let myself open to happiness

And that night,

that’s all I felt.

Genevieve, I am sorry things are turning out to be lesser than what we had hoped.

You are a beautiful ray of sunshine that continues to brighten my days. But I’ve noticed the words you preach don’t match with your actions.

I’m sorry to say you’re unaware of your hypocrisy. Your deep level is not where I thought you were. I definitely thought you up to be more than what you are. But I see now that you are just lost in a world of blind faith.

Faith in something you barely even know of.

I’ve noticed continuously your shallow remarks, your first level understanding. It’s too simple.

This is not what you said you’d teach me. More and more, I’ve found myself giving you the answers to the situations you’ve jumped headfirst in.

I’m seeing now that our maturity levels are not so close.

All in all, I still love you, and I will always be there to support you.

I can only hope you’ll figure things out.

So much and so little has happened.

Mentally, I feel I’m wandering down this winding hallway. Everything has been so foggy and unclear to me lately.

But I’m sensing the brass facts coming through hard.

The reality of my reality is coming into check, and I’m aware this might hurt.

But I won’t let that stop me. Today, I know better. I am stronger than my past. I am stronger than my future. I need to have the faith and trust in myself, in my destiny, that it will be fine in the end.

It’s not an excuse to stop trying though.

And I’m happy to say I’ve gained my courage, determination, and motivation back.

Now more than ever, I am confident in myself.

HOLY SHIT FRANK

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU

I NEVER would’ve guessed.

You have no idea how happy hearing that made me.

I feel like you care.

Somewhere really, truly, very deep down, you care.

I’m almost positive you’re afraid of human emotion.

Your distance made me only more sure that you didn’t want to get to know me.

But I think you just were following my lead.

I get that you’re waiting for me to come after you now.

I’m ready for when you are.

I can’t decide on anything anymore.

Everything is so fucking up in the air and I feel like I’ve lost my purpose.

Moreso, my direction.

I’ve lost sense of what is right and wrong. I feel out of touch

And overall, just numb to most stimulation.

Maybe that’s why I’m becoming reliant on sex.

Who knows.

You know life has become difficult, when you suddenly don’t like expressing yourself

Frank, I cannot begin to express my frustration with you.

Holy mother of fuck.

I really don’t like you right now.

But I’m going to fuck you.

I’m going to make that dream become a reality.

I’m going to dominate you.

Genevieve you are too amazing for my words.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle having your presence and support 24/7

I’m still so touched you want to move in with me

I think it’s been a few weeks since I’ve agreed.

I just…I don’t want to disappoint you.

You really seem to like me, and I love thinking of you as a sister..

I just don’t want to do something that could fuck this up

because this is so great for me

YOU are so great for me

You’re getting me out of my parental-life, and I totally love you for it

Thank you.